we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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