Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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