Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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