Me too!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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