dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize