if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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