Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
