I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
