cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
