I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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