It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
