I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
