does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
