i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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