I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
