If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
