if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
