K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
