come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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