I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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