She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
