all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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