guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
