just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize