her vagina looked like bernie madoff
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
