Tell her she can't have a vagina
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
