Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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