I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
