your thong is hanging out like whoa
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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