Christians are straight up FREAKS
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
