I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Randomize
