if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize