My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I bet he comes in French.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
