i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
