He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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