Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize