she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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