So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
