I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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