The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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