Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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