my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
