mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
