i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
