True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
