Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
