Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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