You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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