Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
we should paint friendship bongs
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