I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
