two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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