So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
