I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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