Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
