you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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