My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
