I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
