Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
