I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Girls should come with a carfax report
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
