oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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