Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
