I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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