The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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